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5 Family roles assigned by narcissistic parents

5 Family roles assigned by narcissistic parentsPhoto from Pexels

Originally Posted On: https://thinkstrong.uk/5-family-roles-assigned-by-narcissistic-parents/

 

A narcissist would rather walk over their own family to impress a stranger, than be loved by their own family. All the while, negatively impacting their children’s care, development and well-being.

The narcissistic parent will create family rules, and assign roles for each of their children. None of which are spoken about, but the family are fully aware of their roles, often without realising. This is done by manipulation, guilt, shaming and often, anger. These roles are used by the narcissist to support their agenda and self absorbed personality to maintain control of the family, in a very unhealthy way.

Family Roles: The Narcissist

The narcissist is usually one of the parents, they come from a dark place of struggle, shame, insecurity and vulnerability. There are two types of narcissistic parents;

Overt narcissism

Overt narcissism is referred to as grandiose narcissism. This type of narcissism is what most people associate with a narcissistic personality.

The overt narcissist is more obvious, they can be loud, arrogant, overbearing, exploitative, and have a strong need to be admired and praised.

This type of narcissist tends to have an inflated sense of importance, they truly think of themselves as perfect, and everybody is beneath them. They feel no empathy, and are unlikely to feel uncomfortable when breaking boundaries or with emotions such as awkwardness, sadness or worry.

Covert narcissism

Covert narcissism is often referred to as passive or vulnerable narcissism. This type of narcissism is by far the most dangerous one of the two, as often it’s done in a ‘caring way’. A covert narcissist can be difficult to recognise, they are masters at switching on the charm, and have more of a passive approach to control and manipulation.

This type of parent is the complete opposite to overt narcissism, whereby, the parent will appear vulnerable, display low self-esteem, insecurity, avoidance, shame, guilt, anxiety, depression and likely to have somewhat of an alcohol/drug dependency. Ultimately, they will play the victim and use their ‘mother or father’ status to take advantage and gain power.

You will also find that covert narcissists tend to be introverts, this stems from fear or insecurity, however, many people are introverts and that doesn’t mean they are narcissists.

It’s important to note that some of the traits can overlap at different times or life stages for both overt and covert narcissism.

The narcissist in summary:

Regardless of what type of narcissist you’re up against, sadly, a narcissist will exploit their privileges as a parent, and they will naturally have the power to ruin your life. You become part of this warped and isolated sense of reality, until you become aware of this behaviour, for most people this happens circa 30 years old.

Here are some common traits for living with a narcissistic parent:

  • If one parent is a narcissist, the other will adopt narcissistic tendencies to make them happy.
  • Children will be used against one another for competition or to ‘teach’ the other a lesson for breaking family rules.
  • Unable to cope with change.
  • Constantly talking about the past when they were in ‘control’ and the child was dependant on them.
  • They prevent or guilt trip their children when growing up – they view independence as a threat.
  • Its their way or the high way – break the rules, then your subject to anger and abuse.
  • Tell the child that we are the ‘perfect family’, you are ‘close’ and not to tell anyone else outside the family.
  • Image is key- Must portray the family or themselves as perfection to the outside world.
  • Any of the child’s emotions or feelings are suppressed and not important.
  • Threatening behaviour will be used if the child expresses inconveniences for the parent.
  • Having your own opinion, expression, hobby or interest is non-existent. You are only there to serve the parent.
  • The child will never be good enough.
  • The parents will have a high turnover of ‘friends’. The ones who stay will be easily manipulated and tend to be vulnerable.
  • Displays passive aggression, makes fun of people, and puts others down, followed by a smile or said as a ‘joke’.
  • No boundaries are in place.
  • There is no direct communication amongst the family roles, only triangulation.
  • Demands excessive attention from their children
  • Sense of entitlement, therefore boundaries are non-existent.

Family roles continued: The Enabler

The enabler is a role typically assigned to narcissists spouse. It consists someone whose behavior ‘enables’ the other person to continue self-destructive patterns of behavior.

The spouse more than likely, experienced an abusive childhood, therefore, developed an empathic personality type. Empaths absorb others emotions, are highly sensitive, and are extremely caring and kind natured. Unfortunately, their warm hearted personalities are often targeted by narcissists. The narcs intention is to exploit any vulnerability and lure them into their twisted sense of reality.

Fast forward a few years, having got married and had children with a narcissist, by now the spouse/empath is in too deep. The empath has already developed some narcissistic tendencies to protect themselves from abuse, they are also extremely fearful of further rejection, this leads onto their primary role in the family. The assigned role is to fulfil every need of the narcissist to keep their relationship in tact to avoid abuse, rejection, and the spouse will forever put the narc first, above themselves and their children.

Here are some common traits for the enabler: 

  • Ignoring and sacrificing their own needs.
  • Holds onto resentment, and will randomly  explodes with anger.
  • Constantly bailing the narc out financially.
  • Avoidance of anger and conflict.
  • Carries false guilt.
  • Covering up and making excuses for bad behaviour.
  • Putting up with mental or physical abuse.
  • Denial and avoidance.
  • Put the narc before their children.
  • Deny that alcohol/drugs are a problem, in fact, they are likely to depend on it themselves and promote it.
  • Complies with all family rules set out by the narcissist to gain approval.
  • Give up their true Identity in order to be loved by the narc.

Ultimately, the enabler goes to every effort to satisfy the narcissists selfish ego-driven agenda. They will deny, make excuses and cover up any bad behaviour, to ensure that they continue to display a fake image of perfection to the outside world, all while neglecting the needs of the children.

The Golden Child

A narcissistic parent will assign the role of a golden child to maintain control over the other children. Ultimately, the golden child will be held responsible for the family’s perfect false image, and ‘family success’ to the outside world.

The golden child is an extension of the narcissistic parent, they simply can’t do no wrong. They are perfect in every way, and are showered with affection, but it comes with the condition that they must be obedient at all costs. The golden child will endure continuous and demanding pressure from the narcissists to follow the family rules, and keep the rest of the family in check. The golden child will often be compared to their siblings to create further pressure, so that they keep up the good behaviour and follow the rules set by the narcissist.

It’s also likely that the golden child will become a clone of the narcissist, adopting their habits, beliefs and warped sense of reality. They will be given special treatment for abiding by these rules, and are fully aware that they could be at risk of being demoted, should they not perform their role adequately. The narcissist can shift the role onto other children, for example if the golden child moves out and needs to be punished for ‘bad behaviour’, or to maintain control over the whole family.

Having been subject to years of control by the narcissist and enabler, the golden child often becomes a narcissist themselves. They will often develop codependency, meaning they won’t have the ability to sustain or form healthy and balanced relationships. This is because they don’t know anything other than being an extension of the narcissistic parent. It becomes a struggle to separate themselves, understand who they are as individuals, this causes unknown frustration for the golden child. They simply don’t know any different, and doesn’t understand where the anger is coming from. For so long, the golden child has been worshiped by their parents, and they expect this from their outside relationships.

It’s debatable whether narcissists truly love any of their children. Put simply, narcissists form conditional love for their family, meaning that their love is on a conditional basis.

Here are some common golden child traits

  1. Plays the cool sibling.
  2. States you’re too sensitive when you react to abuse.
  3. Always treats you as a child, and doesn’t acknowledge your current life or achievements.
  4. Shifts the anger at your parents onto you.
  5. Participates in your parents’ smear campaigns.
  6. Lacks any empathy for your feelings or concerns.
  7. Tends to zone out of conversations they can’t handle.
  8. Is emotionally or physically threatening.
  9. Forms strong judgment of your decisions and lifestyle.
  10. Blames and disrespects your partner, or anything that makes you independent.
  11. Displays passive anger if you don’t follow the family rules.
  12. Acts irritated, angry or bored when you speak.
  13. Expects to be the centre of everything.
  14. Strong entitlement for caretaking, with nothing in return.
  15. Lack of healthy boundaries, sense of entitlement for your time when it suits them.
  16. Expects you to drop everything for them when they need you. Alternatively, has very little to do with you when things are going right for them.
  17. Manipulates reality to suit their agenda.
  18. Defends parents bad behaviour.
  19. Gaslighting your sense of reality or decisions.
  20. Triangulation – pitting others against each other for their own gain.
  21. Demands constant attention and praise.
  22. Prioritises the parents toxic needs, and their own needs, before your well-being.
  23. Display of extreme confidence and portrays false reality about themselves to the outside world.
  24. At home, they are insecure and vulnerable, unable to take jokes and take things personal.
  25. Strives for perfection, they will blame or get angry if not.
  26. You are there for their needs, nothing more.
  27. No give or take in relationships.
  28. Initially love bombs their outside relationships, when the honeymoon period is over, the relationship will quickly break down.
  29. Blames you for your parents bad behaviour toward you.
  30. Acts as a flying monkey for your narcissistic parents.
  31. An overwhelming need to please parents.

The Scapegoat

The family scapegoat is blamed for all of the family problems, and is neglected by the family for being the ‘odd one out’.  The narcissists simply cannot exist without one for it would mean addressing their own uncomfortable emotions and behaviors. The purpose of the role is an opportunity for the narcissist to explain their failures, while maintaining their ‘perfect family’ image to the outside world.

The scapegoat will develop a strong sense of self awareness and care, however, will likely develop anxiety due to their childhood insecurities and uncertainty. The good news is that they are more likely to be successful and independent later in life, driven by finding independence at a younger age and the urge to do better for themselves. They will often become angry when they break free, due to a sense of guilt, combined with feeling ‘held back’ in life.

Tendencies of a scapegoat:

  • Often an introvert, and enjoys spending time alone.
  • Defensive in nature.
  • Feeling ignored or their voice not heard.
  • Good sense of self-awareness.
  • Always feeling hard done by.
  • Difficulties making decisions.
  • Projects blame onto others

Flying Monkeys

Flying monkeys are also enablers and are the most easy to manipulate. When the narcissist wants to punish a child for not meeting the family rules, they will assign the role and dispatch the flying monkey to do their dirty work. Typically this will resort to passive aggression, guilt-tripping, shaming, setting you up to fail, gaslighting and threatening behaviour.

These flying monkeys are often family members, or close ‘friends’ of the narcissist. They are likely a narcissist themselves at this stage.

Narcissistic family roles, conclusion.

Depending on family size, a narcissist will often use these roles. Each role has a specific job with one shared goal, to allow the narcissist to keep control and maintaining their twisted agenda.

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